Well...I've been in a melancholic mood off and on the past month or so due to the season change. Some days it's stronger than others, bordering on full depression. Which is something I deal with on a somewhat regular basis. While not taking any meds or seeing a shrink. I consider myself old school on many levels, and talking to someone about my "problems" isn't in the cards. I've learned not to talk about things due to family members turning what I told them into ammunition against me later. Nothing like old wounds being ripped open. Then have salt rubbed and patted in! Yeah! That's the best! Anyways, all this melancholy has lead me to being resistant about getting out of bed. I have this why bother who cares thing going on. Not just for personal, but also business. I just don't want to wake up. I long for the day I'll die in my sleep, so all this bullshit will end. What bullshit? Where do I begin?...family, work, the bottom feeders of society leeching off the taxes of those whom work, etc. Life has little to no meaning to me any more. Also, this Shamanic Practitioner is becoming an atheist. Yep, a person whom talks to Spirits and stuff is losing all faith and belief in such things. Yes, I've contemplated suicide a few times and have attempted it. Only to have myself locked up in a mental hospital for the 72 hr watch. Resulting in a $2,000 doctor bill. I'm not saying I want someone to kill me either. Suicide is too extreme, and someone wacking me is stupid. So, I guess nature/time will be my killer.
Today was like the others of late. The alarm goes off, I turn over and go back to sleep. Fuck it. A few hours goes by and I wake up again, telling myself I've got shit to do. Yet, I don't listen, continuing to lay there. Well, eventually I get up, get dressed and go find a bite to eat. I find left over Mac & cheese and corn on the Cobb. I was looking for the stuffed pepper soup, but the rest of it was frozen. I also had a ham & cheese sandwich w/mustard. Too many fucking carbs fat ass! That's what I was telling myself while I was eating. Nobody needs to be hard on me, because I talk rough with myself all the time.
Fuck it I'm not gonna type every fucking thing that happened today. But I will say that I was accused of kicking one of the dogs, and reminded of how negative I am. And my podcast yesterday was negative, blah, blah, blah. I'm so fucking sick and tired of this shit. One day I will leave and nobody in my family will see or hear anything from me again.
Eventually, I leave the house for work, but I have to stop at the grocery stores in the immediate area to get some supplies for the road. I got some fruit and some juices. I've been snacking on the grapes and had a very delicious organic fuji apple. When I get to the second store and looking at more juice, fucking dispatch calls, asking me why I haven't left yet. I tell them I'm shopping, but not how I'm feeling depressed. After that, I stop in a third store and grab something. When my shopping is done I head to the yard and put my groceries away. Then proceed to the dogfood factory for a load going to Redlands, CA.
I grab the load and get rolling. I stop at the Pilot in Fernley for fuel. While I'm there I grab a couple double stacks all deluxed out. Very delicious. My continuation of my soup and salad diet reconvenes tomorrow. That's why I got so much fruit and justices.
The rest of the day was driving. I swear though, every slow moving asshole got in my way today. It was frustrating to say the least. I delivered the load, they gave me an empty trailer. So, now I sit in Fontana, California typing all this out. Paperwork is scanned, I have an empty. Life's temporarily good.
NOTE:
I don't really want to kill myself, or die before my time. I type as I think. I don't edit myself very often. I say (type) what's on my mind at any given moment. However, getting away from my family, and moving back to Florida would be a good thing. That's the #1 reason why I drive truck although I hate it. Followed by the money. Well...I guess this is negative. So, I'm gonna call it the night.
Cliff
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