Burning Bridges...

Throughout my life I've burned many bridges. Why? That is what I've been seriously contemplating lately. It seems that when things are going good, I sabotage myself. I flip and get angry. I tell everyone to fuck off and say some of the most hateful things. I even "delete" my "friends" on social media. It's like I want to be left alone completely...not wanting anyone or anything in my life. I regret it almost immediately after I have my "tantrum". Flipping on people has been a somewhat reoccurring thing throughout my life. The only thing I can really assume is the reason for these outbursts is the almost constant beatings I received during my childhood by a step dad.

Once when I was on a "legal hold" for attempting suicide, the shrink told me I have repressed rage. He said because I was a defenseless little guy getting beat up by a big guy is the reason I act out. To me it makes sense. After he (step dad) left, I became an abusive asshole towards my family and anyone that would cross my path...including hitting my little sister. I no longer had someone beating me regularly. So I became the bully. I used to act out aggressively as a child as well. I used to sometimes kick the dog, and randomly be mean to my classmates. I guess its because I didn't have an outlet...someone to talk to. I was threatened by my step dad not to tell, or I'd get it worse. My mom was absent a lot because she was working 24/7 to keep the bills paid. Meanwhile the step dad smoked and drank up any extra money. Sometimes smoking and drinking money we didn't have. In my book he's a total piece of shit. I'd like to find him and repay him for the mental damage he's caused me. I told the shrink this and he said that's a common fantasy of those that were abused as a child.

The most recent bridge I've burned is with my sister. I totally flipped on her. Ok, I requested that she doesn't drive a vehicle that's in my name, but mom is paying the note on it. Her (mom) current situation forbids her from having assets. That's why I got the loan and she pays it. My sister is a bad driver hitting potholes and speed bumps too hard, having lane control issues, maintaining speed, etc. It's like she's high or something. Everything is in my name concerning the vehicle; bank note, registration and insurance. She also doesn't maintain the appearance of vehicles either. There are at least three past vehicles that have have been damaged due to her lack of ?respect? for other people's property.
With the recent discovery of mom having a (non cancerous) tumor on her brainstem(we got in a wreck and the lawyer wanted tests done), she needs rides to the doctor as she doesn't drive. I'm out here on the road most of the time, and my brother has appointments at pretty much the same time as mom. So that leaves my sister to drive mom to her appointments. Like I said, I don't want my sister driving. I told my mom and brother this, but they seemed to have ignored my request. Anyways, this anger was brewing to the point of boil over.






I flipped!! Saying that I've hated my sister since I first saw her in the hospital after she was born up until now. It's all been a game of being cordial towards her. Also, that wherever she is...I'm not. This outburst has caused my mom to cry and my sister blocking me on all social media outlets and "un-liking" various pages I have on facebook. My brother distanced himself from me. Probably staying out of my "war path". I didn't really mean the hateful things I've said. I love my sister dearly. I'd die for her. She's been there all her life for me while I went through my different dramas. Yes, she makes me mad about the stupid things she does, but she's my blood, my family.

I haven't let know this yet, but I hope she gets the message of this post. I'm not one to babyface in person. I hope she reads this and knows that I'm extremely sorry for what I've said. I have mental problems that needs addressed. Being stuck in a 10x10 isolation chamber on wheels(semi truck) isn't good for me. I beyond seriously need to get off the road.

Angelina...I'm very sorry. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. I don't mean half the shit I say...it just comes out. Having a filter is something we all don't really have. I'm trying to find ways to get shit out. So I'm not hurting those I love most...you, mom & Bubby. This blog is one and videos are another. Let's repair this bridge together. You're my "LaLa". I love you.